“The human condition is one about belonging. We simply cannot thrive unless we are in relationship” [john a. powell]. I would add that the right relationship is one that supports us to be uniquely who we are, built on mutual and respectful care with trust as the tress that holds the structure.
A sibling of belonging is connectedness. When we feel connected there is a deep sense of belonging with energy that exists between self, another person, and the systems we engage in to create a community of care. Belonging is a process and not a fixed quality. It is complex. It is as unique as we each are as people. It is not easily described merely through language. Yet we know its essence when we feel it and know too well when it is not present.
“The body cannot be whole alone. Persons cannot be whole alone.” —Wendell Berry
Our body is the first gate of belonging. The body teaches us each day how to be in the world. Hands extend kind offerings, a voice speaks truthfully, ears differentiate noise from music, and feet take a stand. Since we are all differently abled, how kindness, trust, and advocacy present themselves will vary as well.
“To fully belong anywhere one must understand the ground of one’s being.” —bell hooks
Many sides of belonging
As a dynamic process, a sense of belonging alternates between periods of togetherness and aloneness. Like a reciprocal roof that is self-supporting, we lean on each other from all sides. And if one side falls, the structure is weakened; then repairs are made to address and rework the structure. The ability to live in the moment and regulate the integrity of the belonging process allows the structure to be rebuilt and stand firmly.
When be-long to something is to stay with it for the distance, writes Toko-pa Turner. Opening to our longing, is to be in touch with a place of acceptance and wholeness.
Pseudo Belonging
When we show up incompletely, everything in its wake is less honestly expressed. How often have you heard, “you’re not a fit,” or “you’re not a match,” especially when seeking a professional role? And the contortions that happen to fit in — as well as those aspects of yourself that get cast in the shadow. The parceling off our wholeness in exchange for pseudo-acceptance.
If we keep aspects of ourselves hidden from view because we believe only an edited version of who we are will be accepted by others, we are not belonging authentically, while the risk of not belonging might be alienation. When we betray ourselves, our ideals, or our values, we never truly belong.
There is a threshold to fitting in and parceling off who we are, potentially leading to psychological distress. Since our body is the first home of belonging, it will signal when there is something out of alignment if we pay close attention. Tuning in to our well-being is an offshoot of belonging. As Brené Brown noted, “our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.“ When we are disconnected, our shared humanity is diminished.
A System of Belonging at Work
In systems it can be challenging to break into the circle of humans and human concerns. However, our shared humanity can help us come together. This includes creating diverse learning spaces and expanding perspectives while examining and unearthing biases.
In the work system, fairness [equity] impacts feelings of belonging. Creating a workplace where people from varied backgrounds are thriving doesn’t end with the hiring process. In the book, The Waymakers, Tara Jaye Frank, offers strategies for improving the work system (culture) throughout an employee’s journey.
- Show kindness upon their arrival
- Be open to being changed by the new people entering the system
- Cultivate an inclusive environment based on trust, respect, and transparency
- Provide equal access to opportunities
When the work culture promotes supportive relationships among colleagues, authentic human connections result, and all start to flourish. This sense of being included fosters the feeling of acceptance and that our contributions are valued.
Feelings of belonging have a positive effect all around. To be part of something, such as a team’s success, exponentially enhances well-being. As research indicates, 94% of workers feel that mutual trust and respect are vital to a team’s success, and 19% say it’s the number one factor in their team’s emotional well-being. So it is clear that our individual and collective well-being are interconnected.
A Path To Cultivating Belonging
“If you want to change people’s minds, you change behaviors. If you want to change behaviors, you change institutions.” —john a. powell
Toko-pa Turner writes, “a potential path to cultivating belonging … is to draw out the story coming through every individual, to recognize the events of our lives, and those who went before us, threading the past into the present to weave forward together how to respond to the other’s experience as if it was, in some way, our own.”
The opportunity ahead is how to include members with many different points of view. This includes an invitation to show up in their wholeness with the freedom to express these views. A path to cultivating belonging embraces:
- Humility—a quiet ego; curious and open-minded.
- Integrity—root meaning is wholeness; based on the cultivation of civility.
- Response-able—for each other; respond to the other’s experience as if it was in some way, our own.
- Self-acceptance—welcome, include, and take pride in all through the process of self-discovery and self-awareness.
When we are in right relationship with each other, we cultivate a caring society, where our shared humanity is welcomed. Caring for and celebrating our connections goes beyond the intellectual and engages the heart of whom we are longing to be.
Coaching is uniquely positioned to navigate change and build awareness of fostering a sense of belonging in systems. The coach meets the individual where they are and provides a confidential and trusting space to explore a pathway of wholesomeness around sensitive issues and equity.
At BETA Coaching and Consulting, we support the creation of inclusive well-being strategies that foster a culture of belonging.
What have you read lately?
I first became aware of the book “Enough About Me” while watching an interview between Richard Lui and Kelly Corrigan (PBS Tell Me More with Kelly Corrigan). I felt an emotional tug from the interview, having recently experienced the transition of several elders in my family. Curious about this journey between father and son at the end of life, I watched on. The universe wanted me to read the book because when I went to my local library book sale fundraiser, there it was waiting for me on the shelf.
Lui takes the reader on a journey of what the word “selflessness” means, and it became clear it does not represent a binary mind-set. It is about the extraordinary in the ordinary moments that make all the difference. I resonated with the idea of the moments offered each of us as life tests our capacity to show up for another.
Peppered through the book is research on selflessness and its antithesis meism. Social identity, power structure, immigration status, and identity politics are woven into the tapestry of what it means to maintain a diverse and balanced life. Lui makes it clear that selflessness is frequently subversive and goes against the current, while sometimes swimming upstream and other days wading in the water.
BETA is on YouTube
Committed to transformative partnerships, BETA Coaching & Consulting YouTube Channel videos offer timely and insightful approaches to guide you and your organization on your well-being journey.
We believe that a well individual is integral to the well-being of society.
Book A Discovery Session
A discovery session is largely influenced by a kaizen process, which is a philosophy based on the concept to change for the better through small modifications creating improvements. The session is centered on learning about one another including values, goals, and processes.
The discussion will help determine our chemistry match and how collaborating will add value for you. There will be an opportunity to understand your needs and what is top of mind for you, especially what is it that you wish to improve upon. This is an opportunity for us to co-create a win-win partnership.
Some discovery session questions are:
- What is your biggest challenge as it relates to ______?
- How are you feeling about this challenge?
- What about solving the challenge is most important to you?
- How will you benefit from finding a solution to this challenge?
To schedule your no obligation appointment, email novelette@betacoachingconsulting.com or visit our calendar to book an available time.