The thinking is that resilience is something we find within ourselves only when tested. It is an internal grit that is supposed to allow us to bounce back stronger than before. When the phrase “bounce back” is linked with the word resilience, it is often describing the difference between a successful or an unsuccessful outcome, but does not acknowledge the person’s emotions, what was lost, what needs to be grieved, what needs to be healed, what will be different or the same, and how choices might be made going forward.

Language can be subject to individual interpretation, and given our cultural and linguistic differences, being clear when using a word like resilience is paramount. Resilience means different things to different people, so understanding how that word and the corresponding behaviors are interpreted by the person is essential in determining where the individual is on their journey.

Out of Necessity

Resilience is not purely an individual characteristic. Our resilience responses are personal and shaped by our unique history, personality, and personal context. More importantly, it is a community activity. Given that we are interconnected beings, cultivating and maintaining authentic connections can broaden our perspective in learning different ways of managing, leading, and handling crises. It’s the actual interactions themselves, particularly with a diverse group of people, that allow us to get through anything that’s difficult.

“Necessity is the mother of invention,” and, in this case, the discovery of the self is a result of the adversity experienced. Resilience happens when there is no other choice. It includes processing and understanding our response to stress and challenges, while actively working through them.

Resiliency can be seen both positively and negatively. It is neither a choice nor advocated as something to strive for! It is more than the ability to recover quickly or bouncing back. Resilience is about lived experiences and personal development during difficult moments. While no one desires to face trauma, systemic racism, or other adversities, when they occur, lives can be reshaped with personal and communal systems of support.

For People of Color and other marginalized groups, deciding to be resilient is not optional. Systemic racism, living in poverty, not earning a livable wage, subpar housing conditions, inadequate schools, and diminished mental and physical health might leave People and Color feeling like they are in a Whac-A-Mole machine — getting knocked down, getting up, then knocked down again. To demand resilience might be a form of oppression and harmful given the historical systemic hardships endured because resiliency is a matter of survival.

When too much is too much

Too much resilience could make people overly tolerant of adversity. There is a BetterHelp commercial that beautifully demonstrates this attitude of over-tolerance to adversity, where the self is objectified and pushes through the distress with grit. When we treat ourselves as objects and are not attuned to the energy that is our source, adaptive competence becomes maladaptive. Extreme resilience could drive people to become overly persistent in resisting support and taxing their system to the point of distress.

Fostering Resilience

Given our adaptive capacities and social determinants, resilience can be either positive or negative. It manifests differently for each of us, and there is no single approach. Self-compassion is called for in these difficult times, with the key factor being vulnerability, naming and acknowledging our emotions, and declaring what is needed.

Being in environments that are safe enough to have our needs met is critical. When we trust ourselves and those around us to share deeply about difficulties, our confidence to ask for and receive help is shored up. A learned attribute, resilience is developed through a strong sense of self-efficacy, self-trust, and self-esteem in our relationship with ourselves, in community with others. Recognizing the dynamic nature across the lifespan and racial identities allows us to better understand the potential impact of an event and how we respond differently. Superseding bouncing back, it might be life-changing.

Conclusion:

The next time you think about simplifying the resilience process to bouncing back, reconsider how you’re defining it. Also, make room for the uncomfortable, while knowing when too much is too much. Collectively, we are experiencing numerous social and global crises, such as a pandemic, climate crisis, mental health crisis, racial unrest, military conflicts, financial crisis, political unrest, and a drug epidemic. It is important to make space and acknowledge our individual and collective pain and suffering, as well as how we wish to process and heal. At the same time, take time for moments of joy.

Resiliency is a communal process. Be aware that multiple conversations might happen at once, including the individual, the system, the historical, and the societal conversations that connect us all to our well-being.

According to Four Arrows and Narvaez, “worldview goes deeper that culture, religion, or philosophy.” While the Indigenous worldview does not belong to a race or group of people, the Indigenous cultures still hold on to their traditional place-based knowledge about living this worldview.

“Restoring the Kinship Worldview” shares twenty-eight Indigenous Worldview Precept Dialogues allowing for a deep sense of kinship with all. Immense wisdom is shared in this collection, representing a variety of Indigenous voices. It explores the depth and breadth of human survival and the well-being of future generations.

During the 2019 United Nations Global Assessment Report on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services, it was referenced that the Indigenous worldview is a vital consideration in rebalancing life systems. After reading this book, it became so evident that embodying an Indigenous worldview takes into consideration the well-being of all and that “we are not autonomous, self-sufficient …nothing that we do we do by ourselves.” Generosity is the highest expression of courage, and, during this time, being free with how we use resources and interact with each other on the planet is so key to our longevity. I recommend reading this timely and profound book.

To learn about ways to care for your mental health, check out National Alliance of Mental Illness website.

Mental Health Month | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

After a year of leaving voice messages and sending cards to mark special occasions, Brenda wrote a letter to Stephanie making sure all was well with her and the family. In her final communication, Brenda asked Stephanie if she had done something to offend her. Stephanie had not responded to any of Brenda’s communications in more than a year — and saying it was confusing to Brenda would be an understatement. She considered Stephanie a good friend — friends who shared intimate parts of their lives, been at each other homes, and supported each other in their professions. After all these months of silence, Brenda sadly resolved that the friendship had ended.

This is not an uncommon phenomenon and a way of relating in the 21st Century. Since the onset of online dating and social media platforms, terminating communication by unfriending, blocking, and ceasing to respond has become commonplace. This form of interpersonal communication, or lack thereof, has spilled over into professional and everyday interactions. “Ghosting differs from other relationship dissolution strategies insofar as it takes place without the ghostee knowing what has happened; who is left to manage and understand what the partner’s lack of communication means and is unable to close the relationship.”

As social beings — who are wired to connect with others — getting ghosted can be heart bruising. It can leave the recipient confused and wondering what happened or what they did wrong. In a society that professes a desire for connectedness, it is ironic how often we do the opposite.

With digital technologies such an integral part of our everyday communications, the depth of our conversation has diminished, and individuals are reporting increased loneliness and decreased life satisfaction. Interactions can be dehumanized as we spent most of the day behind a screen with a sense of anonymity.

Although we might wish to blame technology, the individual’s motivation underlying the behavior is also at play here. In a 2021 study published in the Psychology of Popular Media, those who were doing the ghosting noted that they lacked the necessary communication skills to have an open, honest conversation. In truth, they lacked confidence in having direct communication and viewed it as a kinder way to end a relationship. There also can be the rationalization that there is insufficient time to reply.

As a society, the badge of busyness is held in high prominence. In general, we are biased toward creating a gigantic to-do list with little time to complete it due to an already packed schedule. Being productive, checking off what is on the list while piling on more, does not leave much room for interpersonal relating.

Research indicates adverse mental health issues and emotional challenges for those who have been ghosted. Beyond confusion, the ghostee might feel a sense of overwhelming rejection, wounded self-esteem and mistrust that might spill over into future relationships. For Brown and Black individuals who have been disenfranchised, ghosting further exaggerates feelings of not belonging, and lack of connectedness. Individuals who are frequently disenfranchised in our society, especially in the corporate world, can exacerbate the sense of invisibility or exclusion.

The [———] submits their application, which is reviewed by the Applicant Tracking System and resulted in an invitation to a series of interviews. However, they receive an email noting the company is moving forward with another candidate. When they reach out to the hiring manager requesting a meeting to discuss the reasons for not moving forward in the interview process ….. Radio silence.

More than 75% of job seekers said an employer had ghosted them after an interview and often they’re told not to take it personally. This still can be incredibly frustrating. Being ghosted by a potential employer / an employer could be a reflection of not-so-great business practices. It could also be indicative of poor processes with no emphasis on communication, unprofessionalism, the inability to keep up with the volume of work, and possible organizational changes (which go back to poor processes).

Like interpersonal ghosting, organizational ghosting is a failure to communicate. Whether it is the hiring manager or HR, someone needs to have a direct or transparent conversation about how the candidate is stacked up against the pool of candidates. Not having the conversation might inadvertently convey to the prospective employee that they are not worth a conversation. And being a litigious society, prospective employers are concerned about opening the company to litigation given the candidates’ social identity. So not responding is a safe way out.

The quality of our relationships — family members, friends, or colleagues — is a predictor of social well-being and a sense of connectedness. Ghosting … “may place someone in a standby mode that might trigger the feeling of being ostracized,” which does not support our need for belonging, inclusion, and meaningful relationships.

There is an opportunity to redefine and bolster communication skills to invite difficult conversations on a variety of topics and between all levels. The key is to leave the speaker feeling empowered to communicate in a respectful way and the recipient feeling respected. On paper (screen), this might sound like a simple process, yet in reality, it takes courage and vulnerability to have these conversations.

To be vulnerabravery — the conscious choice to be is a place of discovery — we become a reciprocal roof, which is a self-supporting structure, leaning on each other from all sides. Reframing Tara Jaye Frank’s Psychological Contracts approach, I invite you to consider establishing a Social Contract for engagement:

Share our intent at the beginning
Express our desired outcomes (needs/wants)
Invite feedback when behaviors are misalignment with intent
Set the stage (a reciprocal roof) for a mutual process
Abide by (change) the Social Contract as the relationship evolves

Following the social contract will help engage communication structures to see, hear, and honor the participants during the process. It empowers both people to arrive and leave well, while honoring a shared humanity.

We live in complex times without a shortcut forgetting to know each other. “Caring for ourselves is deeply connected to the well-being and concerns of others.”

According to Shawn A. Ginwright, PhD, “vulnerability is a like a portal to our humanity… it requires the delicate balance between risk and safety… structural vulnerability, emotional vulnerability, and our collective experiences contained in empathy are ways to move relationships from transactional to transformative.” share

Book A Discovery Session

A discovery session is largely influenced by a kaizen process, which is a philosophy based on the concept to change for the better through small modifications creating improvements. The session is centered on learning about one another including values, goals, and processes.

The discussion will help determine our chemistry match and how collaborating will add value for you. There will be an opportunity to understand your needs and what is top of mind for you, especially what is it that you wish to improve upon. This is an opportunity for us to co-create a win-win partnership.

Some discovery session questions are:

What is your biggest challenge as it relates to ______?
How are you feeling about this challenge?
What about solving the challenge is most important to you?
How will you benefit from finding a solution to this challenge?

To schedule your no obligation appointment, email novelette@betacoachingconsulting.com or visit our calendar to book an available time.

What have you read lately?

I read 5 of the 6 books on my summer reading list as well as a few others. The summer was a sweet time to sit under a tree and read. Many of the readings spoke to the web of humanity — the displacement of people — the longing in be-longing — loss — and poetry on resistance and hope. Read my Summer Reading Summary.

With the new month I am emersed in reading The Four Pivots:

Dr. Ginwright is a captivating storyteller, who weaves in his personal experiences as a Black man, a father, a husband, a friend, a social justice advocate, a mentor, a foundation leader, and a professor. The book is divided into four parts:

Pivot 1: From Lens to Mirror discusses the value of introspection, truth-telling, and the service of gaining clarity.
Pivot 2: From Transactional to Transformative, closely aligns with BETA’s Transformative Partnership philosophy. Ginwright writes, “In order to truly transform our society and create a new way, we have to become a better version of ourselves. In order to transform the system, the people in those systems have to transform.”
Pivot 3: From Problem to Possibility explores the human fascination with “problem solving,” and the tendency to presume that awareness of the problem is the same as solving it. He encourages us to consider “possibility creating,” and then invite those close to the problem to innovate the solution.
Pivot 4: From Hustle to Flow, ask us to look at our addiction to frenzy. Here frenzy is defined as the desperate state of constant, unfocused effort and random behavior that consistently fails to produce desired results. This pivot suggests that the reader embrace a period of rest (not just sleep) by suspending worry and keeping an intention to restore.

Now, as the days get shorter, I’m looking forward to curling up under a blanket and taking in the perspectives of these authors. What is on your reading list for the fall?

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Category: Vulnerability

Resilience Takes a Communal Effort