Tag: Resolution

The Intentionality of Choice

For many, this time of the year offers an opportunity to reflect on the past and make resolutions for a future reality. Even if you’re not inclined to make a new year resolution, I invite you to bring attention to what matters through the intentionality of choice, by bringing full consideration to the subtler vibrations of what is calling your heart! 

It is akin to moving beyond autopilot, engaging in every activity with the attention a pilot might give to landing a plane. 

As complex, multiple-dimensional individuals, we live in systems and have learned to adapt to their ebbs and flows through our moment-by-moment choices. Dr. William Glasser’s Choice Theory emphasizes that all behavior is chosen and is driven by the desire to satisfy the need to:

  • be free
  • have fun
  • to survive
  • be powerful
  • be loved and accepted

When individuals are intrinsically motivated, they behave and act from a sense of volition and choice. They recognize – they have control over their behavior – and the freedom to chart a course.

Oxford Languages defines choice as an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities. 

Two possibilities might be too dualistic … pitting one off the other … so consider offering yourself enough possibilities to feel whelmed (yet not overwhelmed). 

When individuals are open to possibilities, they arrive at a place they want to go, that they may not have known they wanted to get to. 

Since organizations are comprised of individuals, when they are encouraged to be autonomous, self-determined, and connected to one another within organizations, both they and the organization thrive.

Encouraging autonomy with resources and accountability leads to mastery and engagement. 

Organizations that cultivate a culture that promotes autonomy grew at four times the rate of control-oriented firms and had one-third of the turnover. They encourage their employee’s choices of mastery, connection, and creativity of their talent. 

Individuals have different desires. The best strategy for a leader would be to figure out what’s important to each individual.    

From the individual and organizational perspective, what possibilities await you in 2024?  

With the opportunity to coach more than 1,000 individuals, I am uniquely positioned to understand the evolution of individual, interpersonal, and organizational choice management.

A central tent of BETA Coaching & Consulting is choice – working with clients to chart the pathway that will serve to satisfy their unique needs. This is fostered through an inclusive approach, being an intentional, trustworthy partner, and listening deeply, while partnering with the client to realize their insights.   

Rayner and Bonnici explore how intentional restructuring of social and environmental arrangements brings about social change — be it in healthcare, racial justice, or education reform — in their book, The Systems Work of Social Change: How to Harness Connection, Context, and Power to Cultivate Deep and Enduring Change. I draw from this book that system work is akin to purpose in action — embedded in principles and practices that cultivate a more peaceful and just world by engaging the primary actors in the change process while limiting unintended negative consequences.

Rayner and Bonnici offer many case studies of our individuals and organizations creating social change — each chapter offering a wealth of perspectives. This is a must-read for anyone interested in the day-to-day actions and relationships, and how they are as much about the ways we work as they are about the outcome we pursue. Centering the collective identity within groups — to explore new ways of seeing the current situation with new awareness to shift to a new perspective.

What will you be reading this winter? Love to hear from you. Share this with me on LinkedIn and let’s start a conversation.

 

Deep listening promotes empathy

For the speaker, the line between wanting to be reassured and wanting to be heard may not always be easy to discern.

Your friend is sharing how they had a difficult time at work with a colleague who was not forthcoming with information related to a time-sensitive project. Frustrated and upset, they convey the “events of the day.” You respond with a similar story about how annoyed you were with a colleague thinking it would bond the two of you with a shared difficulty.

Does this sound familiar?

Although most of us think we listen well, often we can’t wait to share our thoughts about what we’re hearing, which short-circuits the speaker from fully sharing their experience. I have been guilty of sharing a related story, thinking it would indicate my relatability around a similar challenge and engender solidarity. When I reflect on the exchange, I acknowledge the energy that took over and did not allow space for the friend to fully express what was emerging, then mentally kick myself. Aware that this is a tendency, I slip into when conversing with friends and family, I am being more intentional about not jumping in to share a story and attuning to the needs of the person speaking.

Many of us have mastered the appearance of listening, but it is not enough to maintain eye contact and reflect on what was heard. Listening is connecting with the speaker and engaging in a way that helps them feel understood. According to Nichols and Straus, to listen, well, it’s necessary to let go of what’s on our mind long enough to hear what’s on the other person’s mind.

It is not as natural as we may think. Listening well, is a daily, moment-to-moment, person-to-person, practice. Energy, and attention to how we show up with each other create a compassionate, meaningful connection. This involves suspending our self-interest in the service of being receptive to the speaker’s needs.

Listening is a complex process, compounded by modern distractions that further challenge our ability to genuinely listen. It requires taking in the information being communicated through the filters of both the speaker and listener, receiving, attending, understanding, and responding to what is being said, and for that matter, what is not being said. Noticing what limiting barriers are present can make a big difference. Trying to listen when you’re not up to it zaps our capacity to empathize. To connect.

Listening is an active process that takes effort. It is both a skill and an art, having a guide can be a helpful reminder of how to engage actively. While it is not a list of how-tos, it can be a tool to connect our entire body to the process. The heart of listening is empathy, an attunement, which is the essence of human understanding. A balance of thinking and feeling, being open to the somatic responses to what is being heard.

“Empathy — the human echo — is the indispensable stuff of emotional well-being.”

As is often the way with words that become familiar and overused, such as empathy, the sheer power of it can be oversimplified. One way to hold the essence of empathy is that it is an appreciation that is conjured up for the inner experience of another person, the bridge that strengthens relational bonds. We can’t give what we have not either given ourselves or have received. Tuning into ourselves allows us to extend the same generosity.

Building good relationships requires listening, and deep listening promotes empathy. The privilege of listening to another’s experience is a powerful way of moving closer to each other, transcending the relationship. I have been gifted the opportunity to coach more than 1,000 individuals, centering listening, inviting the client to explain their viewpoint, then seeking permission before presenting mine.

I started this article a few days before connecting with a friend for brunch whom I had not seen for about a year. Friendships are voluntary and reflect how we show up in the world with care and mutuality. The everyday human exchanges and the moments shared include daily observations, joys, obstacles, and dreams, which unburden the sense of isolation. This time, I’m happy to say that I was not mentally kicking myself on the drive home!

How well are you listening? Take this quiz and find out.

The difference between listening well and not listening well is the difference between being seen and seen with smeared glasses. How we interrelate, transfer information, connect, validate, acknowledge, hear, and listen is fundamental for our longing to belong. When I engage my heart and mind — the whole body — to be fully present for the speaker, there is this magical connection. Listening is a process that asks us to extend grace to each other, staying open to understanding what is being shared.

Nichols & Straus writes, “to be with other people authentically is no easy feat. This ability depends on an awareness of ourselves as self-contained individuals who relate by listening to and accepting other separate and autonomous individuals.” Listening is an outgrowth of extending care, to ourselves and another tied to our well-being.

May you have the gift of being listened to.

May you offer the gift of listening to another.

May we listen well.

——-

Resource List:

Nichols, M.P. and Straus, M.B. (2021) The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships (3rd Edition). Guilford Press.

Stone, D., Patton, B., and Heen, S. (2010) Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Penguin Books.

Book A Discovery Session

A discovery session is largely influenced by a kaizen process, which is a philosophy based on the concept to change for the better through small modifications creating improvements. The session is centered on learning about one another including values, goals, and processes. 

The discussion will help determine our chemistry match and how collaborating will add value for you. There will be an opportunity to understand your needs and what is top of mind for you, especially what is it that you wish to improve upon. This is an opportunity for us to co-create a win-win partnership.

Some discovery session questions are:

  • What is your biggest challenge as it relates to ______?
  • How are you feeling about this challenge? 
  • What about solving the challenge is most important to you? 
  • How will you benefit from finding a solution to this challenge?

To schedule your no obligation appointment, email novelette@betacoachingconsulting.com or visit our calendar to book an available time.

This Month’s Books:
Fuller’s search for belonging (understanding) to his biological family, the affinity felt with his caregiver, and all the ways he strived to belong and didn’t feel it speaks to his personal triumph given the racial prejudice endured.

There is a silencing, a constant restraint, that the author exercised in the spaces where he found himself disenfranchised, “so it was easier for me to think that any shabby treatment I received was because I was in care rather than because I was black.”

The son of Jamaican Windrush Generation immigrants in the UK, Michael Fuller, experienced being singled out or being regarded as different is the core of his memoir, A Search For Belonging. Leaning into his intellect and professional acumen, Fuller excels in the Britain Police Force – one could say despite tension experienced because of his race.

The epilogue unpacked the circumstance of his biological family and the emotional, psychological, and psychosocial difficulties of migrating to another country. “People brought up by their own relatives are told the stories, the mythology, of the family, and they carry this around inside them all their lives, defining who they are and where they came from.”

Catching the Light (Why I Write) contains fifty intimate vignettes of Harjo’s life’s journey. For me reading her words break my heart open.

She has a way of drawing this reader in as if the words were written from a deep abiding place connecting me to her experiences. I feel such resonance with this book, and anyone who has read Harjo’s work knows she does not leave anything out. She writes from a deeply honest and vulnerable place.

“We are all as actors, wearing the masks of family, generation, or occupation. We step into the story when we take our first breath. We will lay down the masks when we return to the spiritual jumping-off place.”

What have you read lately that broke your heart wide open, touching that tender spot, connecting you deeply to yourself?

… starting off on the right foot

During this time of the year, there is a tendency to make a resolution that leverages behavior in the coming year. The practice of making resolutions first caught on among the ancient Babylonians some 5,000 years ago, when individuals made promises in order to earn the favor of the gods and start the year off on the right foot. 

Whether or not you make a resolution, I invite you to consider, “how would you like to step into this new year physically and metaphorically?” As the adage goes, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there, so being intentional about what you desire to be is paramount. For many of us, we are still weathering the impact of a global pandemic which has shaken up who we thought we were and has opened an opportunity to redefine what we value.

Sometimes you have to figure out who you’re not before you can become who you are writes, Chenjerai Kumanyika. Whom have you become since COVID? Global pandemic? Racial unrest? War? Recession? Quiet Quit. A call to care for our mental health? The passing of family members and friends? And since there is no single formula, having a clear foundation grounded in our values is foundational in weathering the storms of life. For me, the new year signals a recalibration, becoming clearer about evolving values, and what it means to dynamically live into my well-being.

As you imagine what becomes possible in 2023, what is your heart calling for?

I have been gifted the opportunity to coach more than 1,000 individuals. This uniquely positions me to understand the individual–interpersonal–organization change management evolutions. Organizations that encourage their employee’s prosocial behavior promote positive social relationships by welcoming, helping, and reassuring others through these moments of adjustment.   

Dr. Murthy, Surgeon General of the United States, noted that organizations have an opportunity to reinvest in the nation’s workforce well-being, by showing that workers matter, their work matters, and they will be supported to flourish. Well-being is not only personal and subjective but also universally relevant. Although environmental factors – such as a person’s workplace – affects how they experience their well-being, such as their relationships with themselves, their interpersonal relationships with colleagues, the decisions they make, and the tools and resources they have access to – that play a role in how they might select to engage.

Fostering inclusive strategies starts with being intentional, trustworthy, listening deeply,  making collaborative interactions a priority, and enhancing individuals and organizational well-being. 

The strategy states that a holistic approach takes into consideration the individual – the interpersonal relationships – the organization – and the change management plan. 

We have a golden opportunity to curate inclusive initiatives – by unleashing the magic that will amplify individuals’ well-being by providing them with opportunities to identify and engage in habits to live their best life.

Life is a process and, as complex multiple-dimensional beings, we live in systems, and learn to adapt to their ebbs and flows. Every day is a new beginning to choose how we will thrive. Share what you’re adding to your ecosystem of well-being in 2023 and how we might be of service to you and your journey. 

One of my favorite activities is reading – for pleasure! I have a personal goal to read two books per month – on a great month four books.  Inspired to be a better storyteller, the final read of 2022, “How To Tell A Story.”

When you say something out loud, change is being shaped, expectations meet reality. A shift of perspective happens.  Although I may not be on The Moth stage sharing a story, the principles shared in this book will allow me to hone the art of storytelling. Whether I am talking about BETA Coaching & Consulting or about a loved one or an event that touched my heart it is essential to connect bringing the past and the present in this living moment.

It is not often that we are listened to without being interrupted. Storytelling is a lovely opportunity to share our vulnerability in that way, breaking down barriers, and increasing both understanding and human connections.  

As winter is in its full glory – and the earth is resting in preparation for the birth of spring – it is a wonderful time to curl up with a great book. This can be a time to reflect and nourish the mind and heart. On my nightstand are these books, which are in the queue to explore this winter!

What will you be reading this winter? Love to hear from you.  Share this with me on LinkedIn and let’s start a conversation.


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We believe that a well individual is integral to the well-being of society.

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