The day after the March blog was sent to Green Vegan Media for the MailChimp setup and design, something poured out of me.
A series of events made it clear that I had not properly said goodbye to some very tangible and life-affirming relationships. And over a five-day period, I was in the presence of women who were talking openly and vulnerably about their grief. A very needed gift. As I present to what was being shared something stirred in me. It activated reflection on what I have been feeling, and what I have not fully acknowledged.
For a long time, my thinking has been that if I’m clear about what I need, others will respond with kindness, or at least curiosity. They will ask how these needs are important to me. In many cases, I have abdicated responsibility to the other person. I have assumed that because I expressed my needs, they would respond with “yes, I understand.” Or they would name their uncertainty with a willingness to seek clarification. Or they would plainly say, “this won’t work,” and name how they wish to engage with me.
That is my simple mind taking complex relationships and trying to make them tidy. A sure way to be disappointed.
I have a long history of elevating relationships that were, by their nature, pseudo-emotionally intimate. A key example is when I enter a learning experience and cohort leaders invite intimate sharing to cultivate community. More often than not, it turns out to be performative and lacking substance. And still, I step into sharing, with hesitation, and with the desire that this time trustworthy relationships will be cultivated. I am not railing against myself for vulnerably putting myself out there. Yet each disappointment is another moment of grieving.
Lately, it has me questioning how often we ask for each other’s vulnerability, then fail to honor what was shared. How often emotions become something to consume and, at worst, are discarded without realizing the treasure that was gifted.
This was very apparent to me in 2025 when I participated in two cohorts. I saw how difficult it was to sustain any form of relationship after months of deep work. To be clear, it is not my expectation that being in these experiences will fill my relationship bucket. Yet these hit-and-run, quasi intimacy-building exercises are harmful. Yes, I said it. Harmful for a bunch of reasons, which I might share in another blog post.
I am surrendering the notion that going beneath the shallow depth of professional relationships will reliably lead to something deeper, even though I desire deeper connections. I am brushing off my rose-colored glasses without hardening myself to the realities of the social context I occupy. I am reflecting on what appropriate relating looks like, and what would actually nourish my being.
Spring is a wonderful time to take what we learned during the hibernating season of winter and determine what we want to create moving forward. A little purging, a little releasing, is often called for to create forward movement.
I have a tendency to purge twice a year, lightening up possessions. In that process, I came across a sheet of paper with my handwriting and a statement.
“I will not expend any extra energy on someone who is willfully committed to misunderstanding me.”
On first read, it might seem unyielding. That is what the mind says that wishes to be congenial, to be perceived as nice. And for those of us who occupy a female body, we know how niceness can be weaponized.
So I paused. I am big on pausing to see what shifts.
And on further examination, the question that might be of benefit is this. Where am I expending energy while I am still being willfully misunderstood?
Truth be known, I have been grieving past relationships. Through the physical passing of loved ones. The ending of a marriage. The disappearance of individuals who were once present in my life. An employer severing ties through workforce reduction or shifting priorities. A three-decade-plus friendship.
This is not a momentary grieving process. The grief comes in waves. Through the senses and rememory. It can leave the physical and emotional system feeling a tad dysregulated. And honestly, I did not have the language to describe what was twirling around in my heart and mind.
In recent weeks, one particular moment brought it all closer to the surface. I received an email that activated my senses, and I would say it made me feel somewhat indignant. In sharing with a trusted friend, I realized there was also deep sadness.
For context, it had to do with members of an organization I was affiliated with for over 16 years. I departed after realizing I was grossly misunderstood. Then, during that same week, I was in the presence of four women who spoke plainly about their losses. In conversations with them, it became clear to me that our society has not provided space to grieve.
There is the unspoken message, and in some cases, the loud verbalization, to get on with it. Stuff down those emotions. At the extreme, the message is that there is no time to sit with this loss. Get on with it.
I was carrying a heavy feeling. Missing what had once been. Missing what I thought could be. Feeling out of sorts, and not having language for it. Not wanting to appear thirsty, needy, or wanting. All the while powering through, albeit more slowly these days.
The language is slowly emerging. The emotions are all there. And not being stuffed down.
Because I do not experience this culture as one that provides space to be with difficult emotions, whether grief, anger, loss, you name it, I am of the mind to cultivate a ritual. A ritual of honoring what was, and making space to hold those memories as long as they are remembered.
That is what is arising in my heart and mind in this moment. To give space to say thank you. For singing, dancing, and rejoicing in the beauty of memories. For the rememory that pierces the heart and offers a lovely reminder of how I aspire to be in this world, and the ways I am showing up. A dynamic flow informed by being in relationship with those who cross my path and touch my life.
This is about our interpersonal well-being. Our social well-being. Our communal well-being. Our humanity. My awareness of self happens in relationship with you. And when we are in community with each other, when we select to do so, it is a gift to touch what is dear, precious, and lovely. And at times heartbreaking.
And when we are no longer in relationship, how do we pay tribute to what was?
Thank you for taking the time to read this post, and for providing the space in your day to take in these reflections.
May you continue to be well-met,
